Remembrance of the past

Well, the electricity was gone = no internet, and as I was just sitting idle, my eyes caught a big cotton bag lying inside my open closet. And I knew what I  had to do, and what was going to happen  next. So, I took out the bag, eagerly looked inside the bag to see: The remembrance of the past.

People say life goes on, time never stops and blah, blah and more shit, but I was taken back to the past. Before beginning, let me tell you a little bit about myself: I'm that kind of a person who likes to keep things. I'm a keeper, and I keep all sorts of things that are special to me: Be it a chocolate wrapper or  some old used movie tickets. I keep it all and I keep it safe. So coming back, that bag. It contains all the cards, the letters, all the special little things that my dear ones gave me at some point of time in my life.

Yes, time flies! I've been keeping these things safe with me for more than 8 years now, and believe me, for those few minutes, I was taken back to those times, those moments I shared with those special people. Yes, with time, the closeness, the essence of my relations with them have changed: few are busy with their lives and for  few I might have been busy, so blaming anyone should not be right. But I wish we had continued the way we were back then, cause I could feel the love and care in the cards and the letters and the poems and the sketches and in all the other little things which still matter to me as much as they mattered when they were bestowed upon.

No doubt I love the people who are with me right now, but can't I have all of them? (Yes, I'm selfish). As you grow up in life, you realize that not all the people you love and care about, stay forever. In fact, only a handful of people are going to stay with you.  I don't like to break relations (yes, I'm that kind of person), but eventually it does crack a little(or more): be it for lack of communication, some stupid fight and due to the misunderstandings. I was very special to some, (shhona, or petu or best friends to a few) but, now, after  reading those cards I feel 'why?' The bond we shared was very special indeed. Then why? Why is it all not like before? People change, and I might also have changed, but, I cherished those bonds and would always will. I wish we were like before, again.

And this gets me to thinking, are the bonds I have right now would also be gone some day? Maybe 5 years down the line, I would be writing something like this again? I don't know. Maybe some are going to stick around and some wouldn't, that time would tell.

While reading those things I had a tear rolling down my cheek, didn't know if it was a happy tear or a sad one. Happy that I came across these wonderful people in my life and sad that, they are no longer there. But after a few minutes I blasted. (yes, I knew exactly how was feeling then)

Sweet memories, oh that warmth,

Happy hugs and happy songs

Be with me, for once, and again,

Reliving the old good

Before the clock stops,

Remembrance of the past.

Ps. *the sweetest memory of all* This picture you see below, are the cards given by those kids I used to teach in school 4 years back as a part of my curriculum. I was in 12th grade and they were in 4th. Such an amazing experience it was. Love you kiddos and miss our fun. Hope you guys are doing well wherever you are. *heart*

Too many emotions.

The year is ending and December is hitting me hard (as every year). Hyper active tear glands, coffee and winter  doing their way. Suffering from some unknown emotional disease. Bye for now.

First time

For the first time I could feel my heart ache
That hurt when you see your dream break
Into pieces they shatter
And you realise all that would have mattered
The things you should have done
The wheels unturned
For the first time I could see that place
Which was supposed to be mine, has another face.
Those first times,
And for all the first times
Which you shared,
Done and fared
Silently your soul had bared.
When you find your dream
For the very first time
Give your heart and soul
But your equations didn't rhyme.
That hurt, that pain
When you see your dream going away
Or become a little insane
When atlast,
For the first time
You got what you wanted
From a long long time
You feel complete.
Firsts are thrilling
Special and give you a little chilling
Cause the best thing about your first
Is that it is your very first
That is embeded in your soul
Forever.

Isn't everybody beautiful?

"You are beautiful"
Don't you love hearing that? Obviously you do! Who doesn't like appreciations!
Well, let me ask you something today. What is beauty according to you?
 Can we really define it? Or we just blindly follow the old concoctions passed down from generations?

Big eyes, white skin, tall and slim? I'm sure many of us see through these and actually refer someone as beautiful based on these few criteria. But is it all you can see? Truly said: 'Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder'. When it comes to beauty we just consider the outer appearance of an individual. What about the inside? What about that which is going to stay eternal? Your outer self will shed one day my friend, but your inner beauty will stay forever.
Everybody is beautiful in one way or the other;
Be it the simplicity of that soul
Be it the compassion of a mother
Protection of a brother.
Be it innocence of that child,
playing with pure dust in the slum.
Be it determination to do something,
That shear courage,
The spirit of making a change,
Be it the smile after getting the pay check
Or that teenager behaving as a wreck.
Be it the mother dog,
hugging her six little pups,
In the winter cold.
Be it in the believe that
Everything is going to be fine
At the end.


Can you see that little girl, sitting at the corner in her class, afraid to get bullied again? Boys teasing her saying 'chashmish', 'doubble- battery' and what not. She loves to read. What is her fault? Making her feel disgusted won't do any good.

Oh there! See that guy? People call him 'fattie' cause he is over weight. Unfortunately, he has a disease of putting on fat. He loves to eat but doesn't. What's his fault? Making fun of him every second won't do any good to you!

Probably people should realise how much pain they are putting a person through, before making any kind of joke or passing rude comments.
Frankly, we have a problem with everything. Even if there isn't any problem, we will definitely find one.
In-laws searching for "tall and fair-skinned" brides, even if the girl has bright career and an amazing personality. People buying these shitty cosmetic creams like fair 'n' lovely to glow; 'paayie 7 dino mei gorapan' is their lame tag line. All young girls starving to become size 0, which is supposedly the new in-thing! All these celebrities undergoing surgeries for having nicer assets and plumped lips and having the perfect nose, really makes me wonder, why?
We need to accept ourselves the way we are, and be comfortable in our own skin. That's how god has made us: beautiful.
I believe everybody is beautiful, we just have see it the right way.

|| winter stories ||

Starting to post a few shades of winter: My winter stories.

These beauties my mum got from the Indian International Trade Fair.

dulhan: Red

Diyas.

Spotted these at a restaurant

Through the windows of Rapid Metro, gurgaon.

Departure.

Stood there teary eyed
To see my father leave
Though just for only a week
I wore my heart on my sleeve.
That's when my mind fumbled
On a thought that made me mumble
Thinking about those
Who have to bid goodbyes, forever
That feeling, that glance
That one last stance
By which the person is remembered.
That last touch
That last hug
That last kiss
Which will be missed
With a little hope
And a little faith
To meet in life
Once again
But knowing inside
It won't come true
Of the future
We don't have a clue
Just the memories left behind
We bid adieu
With a faint little smile.

And then I thought of those
Who don't even
Get a chance
To meet
The last goodbyes
Cause, for them so sudden
The changes, outridden
Flows river of the shattered soul.

Be it the two love birds
Parting after those amazing  years
On their farewell,
Both sitting numb
Cause they don't know
What the future holds
They might not meet, ever.

Be it the mother deer
Went to search food
For her minor
hunt down, killed.
The baby longing his mother, under the hood, forever.

Be it his old mother
Or his new bride
The man of the family didn't return
Faught brave, with pride
Died.
While his child waiting in the womb.

Unreachable

Why
You are
Away
In the way
You, my dear
My favourite dream
Seems lost
In the crowded stream
I stretch my arm
In search of you
You're no where here
Have no clue
How to achieve you
My sweetheart
This feeling for me
Is fairly new.
So many beings, behind you
Chasing
Walking
Running
The infinite route.
Oh my dream
Please come true.

Cupid caught

A girl with confidence, as she stood
With fierce determination, she bore the heavy cold
No love, no broken heart, the thumb rule she followed
So she never opened up her true soul to behold.


She stood in defiance, to the love that came.
Cause she knew, she wasn't made, for the same
She had fame and didn't want to play the game,
She was beautiful, and wasn't meant to be tamed.


Its not that love didn't  knock her doors,
It did, in fact a zillion times,
But she was stubborn as she grew more
Thinking as if being in love was a crime.


It's because she saw her closed ones,
Breaking into pieces,
She thought she wasn't that strong enough,
That's when she developed her own thesis.


Love is bad, she taught herself,
But little did she know what was coming ahead,
It was the same little cupid
Hitting her hard, like everybody said.

Capturing moments!

I have one wish, to shine as bright as you.

College, the place I'm going to miss a few months from now.

The most serene place in New Delhi. Loveeee it. Just want to watch the sunset there.

People. A few stay, while others leave, leaving some beautiful memories, behind. 

For the love of mountains and sun.

|Promises|

//Scenario: A married couple- Busy husband and a household wife//

Yet again

he promised and broke

its not like

the first time

i felt numb

broken promises

and teary eyes

are what

is destined

tell me why

do i even expect

for him to show up

and hold my hand

tell me why

its always i am

who is raptured

and

pushed around the rand.

Empty, his heart

does not even care

to think

what ive been

through all these years

maybe its time for me

to go heartless

for him

to feel the shear.

I don't want to grow up.

Just 5 days left for me to turn 21, and I'm still recovering from the thought of the same.
21. Dude. What? Am I considered a grown up now? Next year I will graduate college, and all the fun will be over?
Frankly, I've never faced a pinch of responsibility through these 21 effing years, and now all of a sudden I've all these kind of worries about getting a job, making a future.
Is this how life goes on or is it just me?
No, I don't want to grow up. I would never like that.
I've never liked taking responsibility or doing my own work.
I don't want to grow because I like being pampered. Like a baby. I'm highly dependent on the people around me. And I like it this way.
I don't want to grow up.
I want to play.
Hide and seek and 'unch neech ka paapdaa.'
I want to sit on my dad's shoulders and travel around the world.
I want my mum to spoon feed me, like she used to.(she still does sometimes, cause I louve it :p)
I want to cry because of the broken crayons and stolen lollipops, not because of the pressure and the tension and my silly broken heart.
I want to sit and watch pokemon (which I still do) on the old cartoon network and make my mum watch powerpuff girls at 2.30.
I want those golden days back.
I just don't want to grow up.
I don't like adults. They think too much. About everything. For once, I don't want to think. About anything. I just want to live, like a little child.
But those days are overrrr.
And I'm here, writing.
I haven't even done the things I wanted to do by 21. Yes, I have a list (-.-)
I wish I had a time machine, would go back then.
But, sigh.

Tbc.

There she was.

There she was
Standing tall
Played
Betrayed
Thought she might fall
Yes she did
A million times
No friends, family
Yet she fought
When the world was dark
She seeked for answers
From the god, her lord
Cause she found
What goes around doesn't really comes around
Bad people have good
Good people have bad
She questioned her existence
Why her, what now
Made her wow
Vow, she would be stronger
She has to
Bold and beautiful she was no doubt
Trusted people far profound
No changes, she said
She would be the good one
she had always been
Now, she let her fate
Get decided by her god
Cause as they say
What goes around, comes around.

I can't see you

I can't see you
Lying on bed like this
No feeling, no movement
You don't know how much of you I miss
That morning kiss
Oh that bliss
It's you who makes my world go round
I'm losing myself,be on the rebound
Miss your long chattery talks
Miss our sweet long walks
I can't see you
Like this, devoid of life
Please wake up
And be my wife.

Last night

There she was
Lying on her bed
In dark in peace
Thinking
All that she could be
Between could'ves and the wouldves
Her mind rambled
With the thoughts of the unknown
She feared she might die
She couldn't sleep that night
But remembering the good old times
Of the people she had loved
From deep inside.
Memories, beautiful thing
Takes you away silently
She wanted to talk to every single being
She ever fell in love with
Mother, father, friends and all
Fear creeping inside
She thought its her last night
Of the gift she had known as life.

I'm an old man

Sitting on a wheel chair
I subside
Unknown of the minute, next second
Forget about the future, I'd want to fly
Weak, helpless and what not I've become
From bold, strong and powerful I was, once upon a time
I wish you were here
My beloved, my love
Though I have our children
But nobody could take your place,
I'm an old man
Waiting to die.
Here I am today
Sitting on a wheel chair
In some corner, of some hospital
My memory has gone in vain
This phase of life,
The second childhood
I pray to god
To take me away.
I'm an old man
Waiting to die.

It's not love

She stood there
Waiting for infinite hours
For him to come
Silent and sad
But he didn't care much
Next day apologies
And its all good again
For her, he didn't care much
Everyone warned her
That he is wrong
For her, for any girl
But she stood by
Stood by her love.
But he didn't care much.
Yes, she loved him
Not for a day, or month
But from forever and always
But he didn't care much
Whenever she needs him the most
He isn't anywhere near
Whenever she wants to hold his hand
He isn't anywhere close
Like every girl
She had some dreams
But he didn't make any effort
To fulfil any of them.
So she made comprises
Not one but many
she believed in love that lasts forever,
Alas she wasn't that clever
All she wanted was just a fairytale.

Labels

I was watching a movie yesternight, which got me into thinking about 'labels'. By labels here, I don't mean 'Prada' or 'Gucci'. I mean, the terms we use to call someone in our day-to-day lives- mother, father, son, daughter, wife, husband and what not. We label everyone, every relation.
           
In the midst of labelling people, we often forget who that person is. "A mother is supposed to sacrifice her wants and needs for her children." I ask why? I know she has to, even if she does not want. Father is the man who runs the family in this patriarchal society. But why? Just because of the labels we gave them? Why can't a woman go and work and a man takes care of his family? And I'm not talking about feminism here, so don't take me wrong. But sometimes we need to look beyond the labels we gave them, to see the real being. I just took a mother and a father as an example, you can take a million others.

Let's talk about relationships now. Well, my thoughts might sound a little weird to you, but kindly spare a minute to read it. Labelling people as girlfriends or boyfriends is very common these days. Every now and then, there are breakups and patch-ups, heartbreaks, get-overs and rebounds. But, do we really need to be in a  relationship or to be called as a boyfriend or a girlfriend to be in love? Here is where our thought might differ. I have this really different perception about love. It's not that I don't respect the rest of you, but everybody has their own point of view right? So here's mine. Two people do not have to make commitments or being called by stupid names to be in love. My whole concept of being in love is that you cannot confine it with a commitment or a few labels. It's much deeper than that. It lies above all. "I would never call him my boyfriend, I would call him my love." And love is not a label.

Take marriages for instance. The country in which I live, a girl crosses 25 and her parents, relatives and everybody she knows, start to find the perfect 'dulha' for her, so that she could start her so called 'new life'. Why can't two grown-ups who are in love decide to live their life, without getting married? Why does marriage have to be a stamp on their lives that they are allowed to live together from now onward?  I don't mean to hurt anybody's feelings here, just expressing my views. A piece of paper, or seven circles around some fire, would prove that you are man and wife now? Well, that's our society there.

I really liked this dialogue from another movie- "I don't need a piece of paper or any kind of rituals, to prove how much I love you." And they lived happily ever after. Of course  in the movie. In reality, the 'log kya sochenge' factor comes along with heavy emotional drama. My point here is about labels. Labels tend to stereotype people and that's a complete bullshit. All we can do is find the person behind it.

Inside that devil.

"Inside that devil lied a soul, which wanted to be heard, to be seen

And when he knew the world was hard and mean,

She came to his rescue, loved him, touched him,

In a way that nobody did, and now the light inside him would never dim.

He showed her a different side of his,

The gentleness and the care and the kiss,

Inside that devil lied a child who just wanted one wish

It was her, but he didn't want to be selfish"

Well, it is a part from the drabble I'm writing. Coming soon.

Lost much?

Yes, I'm lost. I really don't know what am I doing with life or what am I going to do in future. I don't know the decisions I made were right or wrong. I don't know why I don't listen to my mother when she gives my the right advise and I always go for the wrong. I don't know why I think so much- about the steps I've already taken, about the future. Right now, my mind might blast with the massive amount collisions of my thoughts. "I should have done that." Yes, I'm not some 'mahatma'. I regret. I regret some decisions I've taken in the past, and I might regret in the future looking at my rate of taking 'bad decisions'. But I guess that's okay. We make mistakes to learn. But what if you make that very mistake again? There is so much going on your mind that you're not able to think, not clear about anything, like everything is a blur. You don't know what to do or what not. Like, there is just way too much to handle. Work. Studies. Love. Family. Stress. Expectations. Feeling of incompetence. You feel lost, where everybody is going on such a fast rate. Your inspiration is lost. Your confidence is lost. Your faith is lost. You become this heavy pessimist. "I can't do it." You say this, and you've already lost the battle.
At these moments, the best thing you can do is to believe in yourself. You can do it. You don't have to do it for others, do it for yourself. Find yourself. Maybe its okay to not know what will happen, let it be a surprise, otherwise what would be the fun? Not thinking about the future and making the best out of the present, I've heard this many times before. But I guess, it's time. It's time to implement all that shit.

What is love?

Love is when I was born, you had tears rolling down your cheeks,
Love is when you feed me, and I don't want to eat,
Love is when you sacrifice your own wants and needs, just for me,
Love is when you worry, without any reason indeed.


Love is when you work all day long just to make me a man,
Love is when you held my hand, and helped me stand.
Love is when you scold, for when I'm not bold,
Love is when I fall down, you are always there to hold.


Love is when  you fight with me over silly things,
Love is when you stood for me when nobody did.
Love is when we laugh, we cry and talk for hours,
Love is when you share your stuffs just with me.


Love is when you bug me for almost everything,
Love is when you make fun of me whenever I sing,
Love is when you act like a so-called king,
Love is when you be your brotherly-being.


Love is when you tease me with that guy's name,
Love is when you cared for me when nobody came,
Love is when you curse me for being your best friend,
Love is when you act like a sibling that god has sent.


Love is when you hug me when I come home,
Love is when you kiss me whenever I feel low,
Love is when you fight with me and still show care,
Love is when you hold my hand and say 'I'm always here'.


Love is not a big thing, but in many small things,
Love is in the fights, the fears, in the care and in the tears,
I might be a mother, father, sister, brother, friend or a lover as well,
But I promise to love you until the very end.